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A funny thing has happened... I appear to be having a baby.

Now, I know what you're thinking: we must be bonkers, right?! Yeah...me too....

Well, I would like you all to know, dear, dear readers, that this has nothing to do with adding to and enriching our family and everything to do with keeping you all entertained with comedic accounts of my (usually fruitless) attempts to breeze through parenthood in an effortless and elegant fashion.


A quick example of the calamities that frequently befall me:

I took the twins to my Mum's at the weekend, which is a couple of hours away in the car. Obviously because I was on my own and it was 28 degrees outside we got stuck in a massive traffic jam. We were stationary for about an hour, during which time the girl did a massive wee all over her carseat (don't ask me why I didn't put nappies on them - I'm pregnant and deranged). So, I stripped her off, put a nappy and dry clothes on her, stripped the boy and put a nappy on him too. By this point the people in the car next to us were openly laughing at these two naked wee chimpanzees jumping around the car. Her carseat was soaked through, and unfortunately the only thing I had to hand was a paper bag. So I sat her on the bag, strapped them both in and off we went. The girl then decides to eat the paper bag (now soaked with urine) and promptly throws up all over herself. Yum. By the time we arrive at Mum's we're all in a right pickle, so the girl gets showered off, changed into another set of dry, clean clothes.... and within 10 minutes falls into the pond. You can't make this stuff up!

I bet you can't wait to see what happens when I try to cope with 3...

The Working Mother

The vast majority of mothers I know have a job of some description; be it in an office, working from home, childminding or running their own business. It doesn't make them superstars, martyrs or villains, it's just life.

I'm actually struggling to put into words what it's sometimes like having a job when you are a parent. There are days when I am flying by the seat of my pants; just about on time getting everywhere, stressed, worried, always looking at the clock, feeling guilty that I'm not where I ought to be, wondering whether I put on deodorant this morning and knowing that I didn't brush my hair. And then there are days when getting everyone up and out of the house in the morning is a breeze; when the children wave me off absent-mindedly as they launch into an activity that is so much more interesting and stimulating than anything they'd ever get at home, and I go to work, drink hot cups of tea and have proper grown-up conversations.

The point is it's a massive undertaking to combine working and parenthood, and the two rarely cohabit peacefully. Indeed, they will often have stand-up screaming rows with each other over who gets priority. This means that there are certain truths about working mothers that need to be universally acknowledged:

Working mothers will not put in as many hours as non-mothers

They will likely have more time off work (due to child's illness, lack of childcare etc.)

They will be less flexible when it comes to working overtime and business travel

They will be out of the door at the end of the day

They will be less "social" outside of working hours

I'm not saying that these things are good, bad, justifiable, deplorable or lamentable. They just are facts.

Unless of course you are Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo, who appears in September's Vogue draped sexily across garden furniture in Yves Saint Laurent stilettos. I'm going to try to say the next part without venom (but you can probably guess whether I'm a fan or not) - Mayer got the job when she was 5 months pregnant with her first child, worked up until the day she gave birth, worked later on the same day she gave birth, took 2 weeks' maternity leave (because it's the law), built a nursery in the adjacent office for her baby and full-time nanny and proclaimed: 'The baby's been way easier than everyone made it out to be.'

Maybe that's because you're not actually doing anything, Marissa! How can someone who has 24-hour help, including cleaners, housekeepers, gardeners, personal assistants, chefs and full-time nannies claim to even be a mother, let alone a working one?

Mayer ingratiated herself further to her staff by demanding an end to flexible working hours and working from home, insisting instead that all remote employees report back to the office full-time. Does this mean that she built nurseries and paid for nannies for everyone she therefore screwed over who had to scramble to find somewhere to put their children? It does not.

The irritating thing about this whole situation is that people might look at Mayer and thinks that's what a working mother is. A woman who can earn a gizillion dollars, be at the height of her profession, be a devoted wife and mother and still find ample time to frolic around being a sex symbol on the pages of fashion magazines. This is not what a working mother is, and not what a working mother should ever attempt to be. This might be the least feminist thing I've ever said, but after 2 years of juggling work and children, I really don't think we can have it all. What's more, I don't think we should try.

After feeling perpetually inadequate when faced with Mayer and the like I have decided to prioritise and concentrate on doing the important things well. This means that I probably won't be a CEO by the time I'm 35, appear on the cover of Time magazine, have an immaculate house, finally lose the babyweight, do another master's degree, travel to foreign climes, volunteer for charity or get my freezer in order. But it might just mean that I enjoy my twins' childhood and every so often have a nice sit down and a biscuit.

The House of Wee and Poo

Goodness I've been away for a long time! I didn't realise I hadn't posted since April (not that I imagine there are hordes of you on the edge of your seats hanging on my every word). Anyway, I've changed jobs, moved house and most significantly of all......

POTTY TRAINING HAS OCCURRED!

Now, as I always do with these posts, I'm not going to tell you how I think you should do it, I'm just going to tell you what I did (and there may be the odd amusing/mortifying incident to keep you entertained along the way).

So, my twins are 2 years and 8 months old. We've had potties around the house for quite a while and both were happy to sit on them from time to time (son: wees and poos, daughter: nothing. ever). They were in the garden a couple of weeks ago (naked) and my son happily used the potty I'd left out there without being prompted, so we thought the time was about right for him. My darling daughter had never really shown much of an interest, had never produced anything on a potty, and barely sat on it for 3 seconds before she would declare "no poo!" and spring up and on to the next adventure. So the plan was to try it with the boy and see if the girl showed an interest.

I got 2 new (well, donated from a friend) very fancy potties that look like real toilets and bought about 15 pairs of pants/knickers each. Then we picked a day and just went for it. With everything that's written about potty training I thought there would be more "science" to it, but in actual fact all you do it take their nappy off and see what happens.

What happened was the girl decided that she wanted in on the action and both used their potties perfectly! You could have knocked me down with a feather when the girl produced a massive log of a poo. What a lovely family moment. They were also fine with putting nappies back on for nightime, which I thought they might kick off about.

The next day we decided to be brave and go out. Now, I thought that during the dreaded "training week" we would be confined to the house (Gina Ford even recommends staying in the kitchen for the first 2 days!), but we were naive and foolish and decided to be reckless. We took a potty with us and kept asking them if they wanted to do a wee. At this point I would highly recommend a car with a large boot. At one point, the boy and my husband were both in there avec le pot. So, all fine until the girl did a massive wee in Next. I whipped her into a nearby changing room, captured the remaining drips, changed her clothes, apologised to the shop assistant and legged it. Sorted.

Then came lunch. All fine, took both to the toilet with us one at a time (boy: wee, girl: nothing). To be honest we were feeling quite smug... until my daughter looked up at me with sheer panic in her eyes and uttered the immortal words "poo coming". What could we do? I sprang into action, dived under the table, whipped off her trousers and knickers, sat her on the potty - where she produced the most foul-smelling, grown-man-sized poo I have ever seen. If I hadn't been crouched under a restaurant table (our table was in the window, by the way) holding my breath against the stench I would have paraded the potty around the tables, proudly showing it off to our fellow diners. It was awesome. Anyway, the problem was now I had a potty full to the actual brim with poo, what to do? I settled on grabbing a large number of tissues and scooping the potty contents into a nappy bag, before giving the potty an anti-bacterial wipe and emerging from under the table as if nothing was amiss. Thank goodness we had paid the bill, so we swept out of there, leaving behind a room of traumatised customers and a waft of sewerage treatment works. Ta dah!

So, I won't pretend it has been particularly glamourous or trouble-free, but generally (like most milestones I tend to regard with total dread) it's been a great deal smoother than I expected.

Here come the top tips:

- wait until they are ready, but also until you are ready to do it. If you're going to do it half-heartedly there's really no point

- pick a time when you have some help. My husband and I were both around, which was really useful when both twins needed attention/wiping at the same time

- nappies can go back on for naps, although funnily enough mine haven't had any accidents (yet) whilst sleeping

- try not to panic, but make it fun to race to the potty when they need a wee

- let them take their own trousers and pants down and put them back on again if possible. You really don't want to be doing it for them for longer than absolutely necessary

- forgot modesty and social decorum. If your child needs to do a poo in a public place, just get it done

- the portable potty with the bags is good as you can just tie the bag and chuck it in a bin rather than walking through shops with a full-to-the-brim potty looking for somewhere to empty it

- weeing in the garden, on beaches and down drains is absolutely fine (for children)

- try not to show your utter disgust at what they produce on the potty. Grin and bear it, praising them constantly

- keep nappy bags handy for the wipes, tissues and faeces

- anti-bacterial wipes are good for keeping everything vaguely clean and sweet-smelling


So my next step is to get them to go on the toilette, so I'll be getting kitted out with toddler seats and steps. Thankfully the new house has 3 bathrooms; I've a feeling we'll be needing them.

The Ages of Baby

I've been asked quite a lot recently what the most enjoyable age is for babies and children. The answer is always that there are pros and cons to every stage of babyhood so, as ever, here's what I think:

Newborn

Pros: they don't move, they only eat one thing and generally like it, they sleep a lot (they do! I know it doesn't feel like it, but they do!), you tend to get lots of visitors who offer to do your ironing, they are portable and can easily live in their pram for an entire day, they are awfully cute and smell delicious, if you only pick them up when absolutely necessary it's quite similar to looking after a plant.

Cons: you pretty much have no idea what you're doing, you may be in pain from a caesarean or assisted birth, newborns are fairly dull company, you are constantly worried about breaking them.


3 months

Pros:  you now know what you are doing, a feeding routine is established, you may even be getting a night's sleep! They smile and look at you as if they understand who you are, but are still happy to be passed around at family gathering. They don't move and they are still only drinking milk, which is straight-forward and portable.

Cons: they will have their first vaccinations and may get their first cold, they are still a bit boring and you often have to work your socks off to get any kind of reaction.
6 months

Pros: food is much more interesting than milk and you can experiment with different tastes and textures, they will start sitting up and holding toys, which is a lot more interesting than lying on their back. They are generally a bit more robust at this age, easier to handle and more reactive to tickling and pulling funny faces.

Cons: they want to be on the go and get involved, but can't move yet, which can be quite frustrating (for you and the baby), weaning starts and feeding becomes a lot more complicated, they may get more picky about who they are happy to be passed to.

(just a note on this age: this is when my twins started sleeping consistantly through the night, from the "dream feed" at 10:30pm until around 6:45am. Words cannot describe the joy!)


9 months

Pros: they are crawling! Happier to be left to play and move around on their own, enjoying their new-found independance, they start to entertain you with their noises and faces. Solid are established and they can do a lot of their own finger-feeding.

Cons: they are crawling! You need to keep an eye on them constantly, install stairgates and move everything in your house up to eye-level. They may not be as content to sit in their pushchair as they want to be on the floor moving around. If they can pull themselves up to standing they will do this in their cot if they wake in the night. Persuading them to lie down again can be a challenge.

12 months

Pros: they are starting to become real little people, clothes are really cute at this age, you get to buy little shoes and take endless videos of their first steps. Walking with your child holding your hand is really special, and you might get away with occasionally leaving your pushchair at home. They could be on just two milk feeds a day, which can mean a lot more independence if you are breastfeeding.

Cons: They are into everything and have no idea of their own limitations. Children this age are often totally fearless and think they can run, jump and throw themselves around like bigger children. The number of injuries my twins got went up massively after their first birthday.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

You've incubated them for 9 months, watched them make your tummy move, tried to fathom their scan images, planned for them, shopped for them, squeezed them out of your body, fed them, changed them, bathed them, checked their breathing and watched them grow. But there is a truth universally acknowledged that at some point you are going to have to leave your children with someone else.

It could be a family member, a childminder or a nursery. It may be a regular happening from the beginning (I have heard an extraordinary tale of grandparents who look after the baby overnight once a week to give the parents a break. Nice), or a necessity when you go back to work. Either way I would encourage you to leave your baby with a babysitter when they are fairly young, even for an hour while you pop to the supermarket, just to get you both used to being apart. Basically the longer you leave it the weirder it's going to be. I vividly remember the first time I left the twins - my husband and I dropped them off with my sister and went out for an anniversary dinner. They must have been about 5 weeks old, and I felt like wearing a sign around my neck saying "I've just had twins!". I couldn't believe that the world was still going on with its business as if nothing monumental had happened.

Leaving your little darlings with someone else can be tricky in terms of the children's reaction, but also yours. You might feel a variety of emotions: anxiety, guilt, worry, sadness, lack of control, joy, ecstasy, uncontrollable elation. It's going to be a bit strange, but you get used to it and every time you leave them it feels a bit more normal.

When I started leaving my twins with family, and then later with childminders when I went back to work, they were too young to really grasp what was going on, so I just used to disappear when they were distracted. This worked well at first and I would definitely advocate spending as little time dropping them off as possible. As they became more aware of what was going on around them, I realised this wasn't working. When we were at home I couldn't pop into another room without them screaming the house down, and I quickly realised that they didn't trust me not to disappear for hours. So, I started saying goodbye and giving them a kiss whenever I left them. I still got going as quickly as possible (no long drawn-out, emotional farewells here), but telling them I was going to work or shopping, even if they had not idea what that meant, seemed to satisfy them and they quite often gave me a kiss and a cheery wave goodbye.

Of course there are still times when my lovely childminder (who has the patience of a saint) has to peel a hysterical screaming child off my leg so that I can leave. This is always a bit traumatic and definitely not the best way to start a day, but if this happesns she usually sends me a text a few minutes later to say that they are happily playing. She has even sent me pictures messages of my twins giggling manically a mere matter of minutes after I have left them in the throws of a massive tantrum.

I think the main way of dealing with leaving your children is to always remain calm, be determined to leave, say goodbye quickly and ask for an update from whoever is looking after them. They are usually so much better as soon as you are out of the picture, it's actually sometimes hard not to get quite offended!!

In terms of casual babysitting, I will generally ask family or my friends who have children. This is usually on a reciprocal basis, which I find works really well. If you and your husband want to go to see a film, and so do your friends then why not babysit for them and then they can return the favour. Guilt-free, payment-free and you get to watch someone else's television and eat their food. Delightful!

There's no real magic formula to leaving your children in someone else's care; you have to relinquish control and trust them to do the job. My twins usually look quite relieved to be in the care of a professional for a change!

Help!

This is generally how greetings go in my world:

Friend: "Hi there!"
Me: "Hi!"
Friend: "How are you?"
Me: "Good, thanks!"
Friend: "How are the twins?"
Me: "Lovely!"
Friend: "Great. See you soon"
Me: "Bye!"

I am always the person who is "fine".

Except recently I realised that I wasn't fine. At all. So, I was forced to do the one thing that is harder for me than giving birth. OK, maybe that's a slight exageration, but let's just say I'd rather jiggle down the high street, naked, in all my stretch-marked glory than ask for help.

But ask I must, and in a nutshell this is why:

1. I was shouting a lot
2. I was crying a lot
3. I felt out of control when dealing with the twins

All of which, I think you would agree is hardly a healthy way to live one's life. So, I started by contacting the health visitors in my town. I felt a bit silly at first doing this because I was under the impression that this service was for new parents to get help with feeding and sleeping. When I contacted them, however, I was told that they are availble until your child turns 5 years old to offer advice about all sorts of things: development, behaviour, health problems, emotions, and the revelation for me was that they were happy just to pop in so that I had someone to talk to.

To be honest I wasn't expecting much from these visits, but when the health visitor turned up she uttered the following magic words:

"My name is Jane, and I have twins."

Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even better; she'd managed to keep hers alive for THIRTEEN YEARS!!!!!!!!!! It was so lovely to sit down and have a talk with someone had a bit of distance. Even though I know quite a few mums with twins, they are all around the same age as mine, and because I'm obsessed with giving advice and telling everyone I'm "fine", I felt the need to talk to someone who had done it all and survived to tell the tale. Jane went through some of the key times I felt overwhelmed and just talking about it made me feel better (such a cliché, I know).

In total she came to visit me 4 times, and I genuinely felt better each time. She gave me some practical advice (about getting them into the car, for example. I now do it as a race to see who can get into their car seat first) and she also told me the stuff I knew, but needed to hear from someone else: that it's OK not to be fine all the time. Who knew?!