Useless Stuff You Don't Need

I recently saw a product on Amazon and I'll still coming to terms with: a) the fact that it exists, and b) that anyone has awarded it average of 4 stars.


OK, so (deep breath to control the rage) - it's a baby wipes warmer. And it's £24.99!!!! Now I've heard and seen some utterly useless baby products before, but this takes the biscuit and gets my goat all in one go. Not only is it an unnecessary piece of rubbish you do NOT need cluttering up your home, but it preys on the worries, fears and insecurities of new parents and parents-to-be in a quite spectacular fashion. The marketing of such a product seems to taunt us and pull at our guilt strings with mental images of screaming, red-faced, bare-bottomed infants being violated with icy-cold wipes: "Don't you love your baby enough to warm his wipes?"


My question, to echo one of the more down-to-earth reviewers, is: if you are worried about the temperature of a babywipe, I shudder to think what else you're paralysed with guilt about. What happens when you start thinking about the cost of university? Or global warming? Does your head explode?


These are some other items I found pretty useless:

• Changing stations - look pretty, never used.
• Changing bag - so expensive, with loads of pockets you won't use. Buy a nice, big bag or use the free one from Boots' Parenting Club.
• Overly stimulating toys - I don't have anything exept teddies in their cots. An Ipod and speakers in the room is good at first.
• Baby monitors with two-way speakers - these scare the CRAP out of children!!!!!
• Baby wardrobes - I have started hanging some bits up, but only because I've started having to iron the odd thing. Pointless for babies.
• Playpen - use a travel cot.
• Moses basket - controvertial or what??!! I used the carrycots off my pushchair instead.
• Shoes for babies that can't even crawl - don't get me started!!

Other top useless buys are:

• breast milk freezer storage bags
• a mouli (for baby food)
• cot bumper
• baby towels (why does the baby have to have a triangle on its head?)
• baby nail scissors (use clippers instead)
• snot remover (they just don't work. They only one that works is the one where you suck it out with a tube)
• top and tail bowl (I don't know anyone who actually does this, let alone uses a special bowl)
• bottle warmer
• bath thermometer (use your elbow)
• bath seat
• breastfeeding scarf (this is a pashmina, no?)
• pre-packed hospital bag
• nappy disposal system (use a small bin and empty it every day. Nothing can disguise the smell of 30 dirty nappies).

The difficult thing about preparing to have your baby is that you feel that you have to have everything 100% ready before the big event. In actual fact you just need to have enough of everything to get through the first few days. After that you will be looking for reasons to leave the house, so popping to Mothercare (where they have a feeding room and changing facilities) turns into a lovely family day out.

These are the things I reckon you need beforehand:

• size 1 nappies - the hospital will not provide nappies and a newborn can go through 12 in 24 hours 
• babywipes - packets and packets. You'll need them and they don't have a use-by date
• babygros and vests (aka bodysuits) - newborn and 0-3 months in case you have a whopper
• hat
• cardigan
• small cellular blankets - although I accidentally stole quite a few from the hospital!
• carseat - can't take the baby home without one!
• pushchair/pram
• dummies - I know, I know...
• maternity sanitary pads - LOADS! Even if you have a cesarean
• ready meals

 Right, I'm off to write a scathing review on Amazon for a product I do not own.

Keen to Wean

It always amazed me how keen on weaning people were. Everyone I met with new babies seemed to want to start as soon as possible, and I was a bit of an oddity because I wanted to put it off for as long as possible. I had really mixed feelings about the whole thing; mainly I felt that it was just going to be even more work and I couldn't fathom how I was going to fit anything else into my already bursting day. Meanwhile I was meeting other mums who had already bought special bowls, special spoons, fancy freezer trays, a second steriliser, plastic bibs, a moulee (don't ask), a blender, travelling cutlery case, a steamer, high chairs and a kitchen extension in which to fit everything.

All this makes you think that weaning is a really complicated thing to do, whereas in fact all it is is slowly introducing your baby to stuff that's ever-so-slightly more solid than milk. That's it.

I started at 6 months. I really don't think babies are ready before this. Obviously if you are advised to start earlier then fine, but if not waiting until they are ready will significantly reduce your stress levels as they are more likely to get the hang of it quicker. I picked a time of the day when my babies weren't too tired or hungry to give it a go. Because my routine meant that I had a long gap of not doing much between their post-nap feed at 2:30pm and their bath at 6pm, I decided to do a "tea time" solid feed at around 5pm. This also meant that I didn't care if they got really messy as it was the end of the day and the next thing on the agenda was a bath anyway.

I just gave mine a couple of spoons of baby rice at this time each day for about 2 weeks. I started off giving them this in their bouncy chairs and then I moved them into bumbos because they are wipe clean! Once I had bought highchairs they went in these (and we took loads of photos). All you are aiming for at first is a tiny amount to go down and for them to get used to the texture as well as the spoon. After two weeks I started giving the babies food to hold and "chew" on (my daughter didn't have any teeth at the time, but managed it somehow!). The sorts of things I gave them to play with were pieces of red pepper, cheese, toast, breadstick, pitta (toasted otherwise it falls apart), rice cakes and cucumber. Around this time as well I started making purees with basic fruits like pears and introducing a tiny bit into the baby rice. Gradually you decrease the baby rice until they are having just the fruit.

Then comes the exciting bit - filling your freezer! Although you really don't need any special equipment for weaning, but I would recommend a freezer, microwave and hand-blender. Making baby food is really straight forward; you boil and blend whatever vegetable you want and then pour it into a freezer tray. Once it's frozen you pop all the cubes out into a labelled freezer bag. And no; you don't need to sterilise your pan! At first you will only need to defrost 1 cube, but as your baby's appetite increases you can defrost more, or give them a veg cube followed by a fruit. The next bit is almost like cooking! You can start combining your cubes to make thrilling-sounding concoctions like Root Vegetable Medley (carrot, butternut squash and swede) or Apple Surprise (apple, dried apricot and cinnamon).

The best book is the Annabel Karmel one which has loads of recipes and ideas of combinations I would never have come up with. My favourite (and my babies') was avocado and banana. No cooking required! Genius!

You really don't need to worry about dropping any milk feeds until they are well established on solids. Then you can feed them the solids first, with a top-up milk feed afterwards in case they are still hungry. My routine meant that:

06:45 this feed became breakfast

10:45 this feed gradually dropped back to around 11:30 and became lunch

14:30 I continued with this milk feed until the babies were about 10 months and didn't want it any more and I replaced it with a snack and drink

17:00 tea

18:30 milk feed before bed

I think the main thing about starting solids is to wait until they are ready, do it gradually and be patient.

The shining light at the end of the tunnel is that once they are established on solids, including protein for some reason, they are much more likely to sleep through the night, if they haven't done so so far. Mine miraculously started sleeping without waking for 11 hours as soon as they were having 3 solid meals a day. I didn't even have to drug the food!

Silly things said by silly people

There are some very silly people out there. Here's a small selection of the silly things they have said to twin mums (and yes; these are all genuine. Some said to me and some from http://inadifferentvoice.wordpress.com/):


"When I’m having a bad day I’m just going to think of you" WOW thanks, I’m honoured!

"Do you think you’ll try for twins next time?" If you could let me know how one would go about this seemingly impossible feat

"Are they the same age? … Which one is older?" Weren’t you listening? They’re TWIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

"What do you do in your spare time?" I go to the toilet

"Did you know you were having twins?" Yes, because I had a scan. And looked like a hippo.

"Did you have IVF?" No. But while we’re on the subject of very personal and private health conditions, anything that you would like to discuss?

"Awww *pity face* Is it hard work?" No, because I built a baby pit where they sit in their own poo all day and we chuck in meat twice a week. YES!

‘"Are they twins?" Nope, different fathers

"Have they always been non identical? Even at birth?" Yeah - weird huh?

"If they're supposed to be twins why is one asleep and one awake" Because they're two different babies

“Are they both yours?” Nope, I stole the other one who happens to look just like mine.

 "You’re brave!!!!" Erm, yeah very. I decided to have twins cos I felt brave. Today I don’t feel brave so I'll not bother to look after them

"Are they twins?" No - triplets, I just left the ugly/noisy/grumpy one at home today.

"Are you SURE they're twins" Quite sure thanks

From a mum with a son and daughter 10 months apart - “Mine are practically twins!” – I pointed out she hadn’t carried them at the same time, to which she replied that she “practically had” – I replied that she actually hadn’t

"Must be hard work" Then open door for me and don't tut at me if my pushchair is in the way

“Better you than me” Yes it is better that I had them - could you imagine them having to grow up with you as their parent?

Woman – “are they boy and girl?”
Me – “Yes”
Woman – “are they identical?”
Me –  "Errr no, not really. Because one is a GIRL, and one is a BOY"

Woman – “Did you have IVF?”
Me – “Actually we did”
Woman – “Oh so they not natural children”
Me – “Nope - totally unnatural. Actually they’re robots”

"You look very young to have had twins" Older than puberty though, aren't I?

"Did you have IVF?" No, I had S.E.X


"Are they identical?"
"No"
"Oh, but they used to be right?” NO, MORON!

"My girl twin is six minutes older than her brother"
“Oh, so I suppose you have to feed her first?” WHAT??

"Are they both yours?" No, one’s mine and the other’s my husband’s

“Double Trouble!” Shut up

“Is it hard work?” Of course it’s flippin’ hard work! One baby must be an f-ing breeze

“Are they identical?”
"No"
"Oh.... so they're not quite twins" Yes they are, because they came from one uterus and were born at the same friggin time

“Twins always skip a generation” Skips a generation? Always? Odd because I'm a twin and my Mum's a twin... but OK, well you’re the genetic expert…

Worry, anxiety and feeling like a bad mum

Gosh, what a depressing title for a post! I suppose what I mean to write about is stress, which of course is part and parcel of being a mum, but which is a totally different animal to anything else I had ever experienced.

I was reasonably chilled out during my pregnancy. Once I'd had an early scan to make sure there was actually something in there (two things!), and we'd all survived the following (longest ever) 5 weeks to the 12 week scan, I felt nicely knocked up and fairly relaxed about things. There were the usual worries: how will I cope with two babies? (still no idea), what if I'm a complete wuss in labour? (I was), what if my house is too small (it was - we moved), what if they NEVER come out (they did), how am I going to sleep towards the end? (with difficulty). Generally though I was quite philosophical about the challenges ahead and I was determined to enjoy my pregnancy as it could be my first and last.

I'm not sure what the science is, but some sort of chemical explosion happens when you give birth. As if a tidal wave of hormones isn't enough to deal with, you also become a raging worry-wart (technical term) and start stressing about the most minute and ridiculous things. The first time we went for a walk as a family is a vivid memory for me, not because we ambled through the winter countryside looking like a page in the Boden catalogue, but because I spent the entire time in tears worrying about the pram tipping over and scattering my brood all over the path. Devastating - yes. Likely? Not so much.

The feeling that you're doing a bad job is the worst worry, and definitely something that everyone with children deals with (no matter what they say or how together they appear to be). The fact is that it's your responsibility to create brand new people and from time to time (OK, every single day) this can feel overwhelming. There are mothers who never let their children watch cbeebies, eat a sausage roll or stay up past 7pm but these are the women who avoided diet coke, microwaves and any egg that wasn't cooked for at least an hour whilst pregnant.

I worried about everything in those early days, and I still have to keep it under control now to stop myself from getting overwhelmed. I have to ask myself "what's the worst that could happen?" and to be honest "death of the twins" has, so far, never been the answer.

Diary of an insane mother

My diary entry for this day last year reads:

"Twin 1 - 02:30 3oz, 07:00 3oz, 10:15 4oz, 14:15 4.5oz, 18:30 4oz, 22:20 2oz. Total: 20.5oz
Twin 2 - 02:30 3.5oz, 06:45 5oz, 10:30 3.5oz, 14:15 6oz, 18:30 4.5oz, 22:20 4oz. Total: 26.5oz

Powercut 02:10-11:10"

Madwoman!!

I started writing down their feeds when they were about 7 weeks old and we had shipped them out of our room into their cots. I suppose I did it to track their milk consumption as I was obsessed with getting them to sleep through the night. The geek in me also really liked marking each feed down in a neat column; it felt a bit like I was doing something official! Like the health visitor was going to come round and ask to see my little diary!

Nowadays this diary is a relic of a life that once was. I enjoy looking at it and reading entries (I started adding a few more details eventually) as it reminds me how far we have come since the early days. I honestly don't remember writing half of it. Some entries make me howl with laughter, while others make me feel a bit sick. A selection is below:

Saturday 26th January
Both awake at 04:50 - girl just for dummy, boy wet and then weed all over his cot when I changed him - nightmare! Boy awake again at 06:15, girl slept until 07:50! Unbelieveable! Quite sniffly, coughing and very sleepy all day. Boy had been in 3 babygros by midday.

Tuesday 1st March
Babies awake 02:30, 04:30, then from 05:30. Fed boy 3.5oz, then fed girl, then tried to finish boy's feed but he only had a total of 4oz. Next feed was better. Went to Bluewater. Girl cut her mouth (how?!). Met a nice lady in John Lewis parents' room with a 10 week old boy. Crying more than mine - result! V. difficult 18:00 feed - all of us in tears. Went to bed at 20:30.

Sunday 3rd April
Not a peep all night until 06:30! Lovely night's sleep and lie-in. Out for a walk and lunch - both slept 2 hours at lunchtime. Played all afternoon, both responding to their names, had a go in the door bouncer. Bath, easy feed, bed.

Wednesday 27th April
Girl awake 03:30ish - went in 3 times, then she slept until 06:40. Boy awake at 05:00 - tucked him back in and he slept until 07:45. Boy wouldn't have breakfast feed, girl cried all morning. Went shopping for more vests. Horrible 14:30 feed, got very upset. Watched a programme about multiples and felt a lot better! At least I don't have quads! Boy giggled when I laughed. Bed and bath OK. Night feed seemed to take forever.

Tuesday 10th May
Awake from 05:20 to 06:00 but kept settling them down again. Went back to sleep until 07:45! Met friends for a walk around the lake. Their twins screamed the whole time. Apparently they are sleeping 7pm-5am. Good for them. Very hot and caught the sun. Babies munched on apricots.

Tuesday 7th June
Slept through from 7pm-7:40am! Made them chicken puree for lunch. Girl is rocking on hands and knees - looks ready to crawl. Boy dragging himself everwhere on his belly. Tea quite unsuccessful (pasta) but noone pooed in the bath! Boy was sick everywhere before bed so had to change him. Girl fast asleep.

I stopped keeping the diary when the twins were around 8 months old and I foolishly thought I had it all figured out. Maybe it's time to start writing it again...!

Sleep traps and getting in a pickle

I hear of quite a few stories of mums and dads doing (what I consider to be) extraordinary things with their children's sleep. When I say extraordinary I suppose I mean extraordinarily inconvenient things and I wonder how it all started.

Let's look at some examples;

• a friend of mine has twins and her daughter will only have her afternoon nap lying on her mum's lap. This means that for two hours every afternoon mum is pinned to the sofa, unable to move. Crazy!
• a colleague of my husband's has a 14 month old who goes to bed at 9:30pm in his parents' bed. Every night (even I go to bed earlier than this). And is still night-feeding. What?!
• another friend has a 2 year old who has never had a nap or slept a night anywhere other than his own cot. This means the whole family is permanently tied to their house. Insane!

I've got a theory about getting into traps like this; firstly you do it because it's easier than the pain of trying to change the behaviour, secondly you do it for your benefit rather than the child's. The parents who are still feeding at night although the child doesn't need it are doing so because it gets the child back to sleep in the middle of the night (crucial if you are at work the next day) and because it feels nice to be snuggled up with your child having a feed. The lay-napping happens because it means the child has a sleep and the mum gets a nice 2 hour cuddle. Only having your child sleep at home means you get a reliable break every day and you never have to deal with a crying child at night in someone else's house.

You could ask; where's the harm? Well, I think your job as a parent is to enable your child to grow up. I don't think babies should be rushed into developing early (don't get me started on early weaning or buying shoes for children who can't yet walk!), but I do think that you need to get them to be independent little beings as soon as they are capable. Of course you also need to make your life as easy as possible, but for me this meant having the twins asleep upstairs for a couple of hours during the day (essential lunch, TV, facebook and housework time) and every night by 7pm (essential dinner, TV, husband and wife time).

Of course my twins aren't perfect little angels who just slept when I wanted them to sleep (I had friends whose twins did this. We're not friends anymore..) - I worked at it and trained them. If you want them to have a lunchtime nap upstairs in their cots then you have to put them there, close the door, walk away and try to ignore the screaming. The next day you'll have to do the same. And the next day, and the next until they get the idea and you can pop them in their cots and not hear a peep for a glorious 2 hours. The same is true for bedtime; put them down (in their own cot, not your bed) and walk away. It's amazing how many mums I've spoken to about bedtime who don't do this. They cuddle and chat away, fiddle with bedding, wind up the mobile, even sit on the floor watching them, waiting for the baby to fall asleep. It's no wonder they're wide awake!

I also took the training approach to weaning my babies off night-feeding. Of all the elements that make having twins tough, night-feeding was the worst. Being woken at 2am, stumbling around trying to get a feed ready, getting comfortable enough to feed without getting too comfortable so that you fall asleep, forcing as much milk as possible into a sleepy baby so that they're not screaming again half an hour later - the whole thing is hideous. And then repeat. Luckily the times I had to feed both babies at night were few and far between as me and my husband always got up together and fed one baby each.

I knew they didn't need feeding during the night anymore when they weren't that fussed about their breakfast feed (6:45am). That meant they were still full from the 2am one and might be waking out of habit rather than necessity. When we decided to wean the boy twin off the night feed we moved the girl twin into a travel cot in our room (she was small and still needed feeding so hubby dealt with her) and I slept on an airbed in the room next door to the nursery. Well, I say slept. In reality getting him to sleep through without a feed mean that for 3 or 4 nights I must have got up 30-40 times to settle him back to sleep. Painful, yes, but infinitely worth it when at 6 months we were able to put both babies in their cots at 7pm and not hear or see them again until 6:30am.

Sleep is a funny one and I was totally obsessed with it (mine and the twins') for the first 6 months. All I ask is that if by chance you get one of the angel babies who sleeps 13 hours from day one, please keep this information to yourself.

Before I had twins I had never...

1. boiled a cauliflower before 7am
2. microwaved a cup of tea
3. asked myself "chocolate or poo?"
4. been too tired to cry
5. gone days without looking in a mirror
6. appreciated how tricky it is for wheelchair users to get around
7. noticed the voice in the lift (too loud!)
8. used smell to assess cleanliness
9. done so much washing
10. viewed going to the supermarket as an outing
11. considered a shower a treat
12. been woken up at 6:30am and felt like I'd had a lie-in
13. boiled so many kettles
14. realised how little sleep you need for survival
15. moved so quickly to answer a ringing phone/doorbell
16. appreciated my freezer, microwave and husband
17. felt like I was part of a club
18. had so many conversations with random people
19. walked into a room and had children come running for a hug
20. realised the simple genuis of the baby wipe

...but now I have! Along with so many other things that I won't bore you with. I suppose it goes to show that having babies make changes to many aspects of your life; it's not just the childcare bit, it's the life stuff as well. Some of it is tough, some is so mundane it makes you want to cry from boredom, but some is bloody wonderful.

Birth Story. EEK!

So apparently it's very therapeutic to write it all down, and as I'm STILL having flashbacks (which I like to think is perfectly normal) I thought I'd give it a go.

Thursday 4th November - 8:40pm
Sitting on the sofa watching River Cottage and my waters broke. I ran to the bathroom and sat on the toilet, giggling uncontrollably. I suppose it was relief that this was the beginning of the end. I had a shower and changed. Around 9pm hubby arrived home (a classic "my waters have broken" moment) and we called the hospital who told us to come in.

10pm - arrived at hospital where I was put on a monitor and examined. I wasn't having any contractions, but wasn't allowed to go home (twin thing) so I got a bed on the ward and spent the night (hubby sent home).

Friday 5th November - nothing much happened all day. Walked around the hospital a lot, up and down stairs, trying to get contractions to start. The midwives kept checking my temperature. Another night on the ward.

Saturday 6th November - 9am (ish)
I was told that we were going to start the induction process to get my contractions to start. At this point I had no idea what that meant! We moved to a different ward (high dependency) and I was put on the monitor again. Then at about 10:30am I was given a pessary and told they would check me in 12 hours (WHAT??!!). So we started walking around the hospital again.

4:30pm my contraction finally started! Quite exciting at first and I was OK breathing through each one. it just felt like pain (I've heard people say they are "tightenings" but mine didn't feel like that). I found sitting on one
of those big balls the most comfortable.

10pm (ish) we got moved to our own room. I changed into a nightdress and the contractions kept coming. They were about 3 minutes apart and stayed like that all night. I tried gas and air, but didn't feel as in control of my breathing so I only used it a couple of times.

Sunday 7th November
6am (ish) by this time I'd had enough and got a shot of pethidine. The midwife said I would sleep for a couple of hours, but 40 minutes later I was up being sick.

10am (ish) I opened my eyes after a contraction to find about 12 people in my room! My consultant was there and said that they were going to remove the pessary and examine me. I just made sure everyone knew I was going to have an epidural. So the pessary was removed and I was examined. I was only 3-4cms dilated, so they made the decision to put me on a drip to increase the strength and frequency of my contractions. I convinced them to give me an epidural first!

10:30am got an epidural and was put on a drip. This involved changing into a hospital gown, having a cannula inserted into the back of my hand, then having the needle in my back (this really was nothing and nowhere near as bad as having contractions), also a catheter into my bladder. I was also on the monitor from now on so that they could check the babies were OK. Despite all this once it as done I was sooooooo comfortable! No pain, nice and warm, didn't even need to get up to go to the loo. Bliss.

For the rest of the day I dozed and chatted to the midwife. It was really relaxing and the only thing I felt was the occasional ache from the contractions.

8pm I was examined and was 5cms. Hubby went out for a Chinese.

11:30pm I was examined again and they found that there was meconium (so twin 1 had pooed). This can be a sign of distress. I was 7cms dilated. The doctor left the room to talk to the rest of the team about what to do next, meanwhile a load of porters arrived and started taking stuff to the operating theatre! I assumed from this that I was going to have a cesarean!

11:45pm I was taken into the theatre and they upped my epidural. There was a lot of rushing around, loads of people everywhere, doing stuff. The anaesthetist tested whether I was numb enough by spraying a cold solution on my side. I found it really difficult to say how much I could feel so just said it felt fine. However, when the doctor started the incision I could feel it - so I let them know! They waited for a few minutes and tested with the spray again. It felt more numb, but I could still feel quite a lot.

Monday 8th November
12:01am twin 1 was born. 1 minute later twin 2 was born. I felt the baby come out and a heavy feeling when it was put on my legs. Very weird. Hubby went off and saw them, I couldn't understand anything that was going on and didn't really get it when he told me we had a boy and a girl. I was feeling everything and was having to breathe as if I was having contractions. At one point it felt like they turned me inside out and I screamed so they gave me morphine. Eventually I was sewed up and bandaged (I can't remember seeing the babies for the first time).Then I hemorrhaged and was given more drugs to stop the bleeding.

I was in recovery until around 3am as I had another hemorrhage. I tried to feed both babies and hubby held them most of the time, until they were taken to special care. I went back onto the ward where I was induced. I can't remember anything else, apart from getting another cannula in my other hand and being very, very hot.

8am phoned my mum. Hubby arrived back. I had a quick hold of the twin boy.

Hubby spent the day going between my bed and special care, where the twins were being bottle-fed. I went to see them briefly at 8pm. Spent the night on the ward.

Tuesday 9th November
Got up and had a shower. Moved to a post-natal ward.

2:30pm the twins came out of special care for me to look after on the ward. Terrifying!

Friday 12th November
Came home!

The Routine

The Routine

I’m not saying that this is the ultimate routine, but this is what I did in the first 7 months:

Weeks 1-7: feed every 3 hours during the day and whatever they need during the night. Feed both twins together (if bottle feeding sit them in bouncy chairs or car seats, sit between them on the floor with your back against the sofa and something decent on the TV). Don’t worry too much about the amount they sleep; just make sure to put them upstairs at around 7pm so that you at least get a couple of hours to yourself without staring at them.

Weeks 7-15: This is when I started getting up at the same time every morning, regardless of what had happened during the night. For me this was the key to establishing the routine.

06:45 - change both babies nappies and start their feed.

Some point in the next 2 hours - babies go back to sleep, put them in their cots, bouncy chairs or somewhere safe and take yourself off for a shower. When they wake up get them dressed for the day.

10:45 feed.

When they are asleep and it is around lunchtime have something to eat (in another room if you find it more restful) and make sure you drink lots of water.

14:30 feed.

18:00 Bath time – if you are on your own bath them one at a time, making sure the one you are not with has a toy or a dummy to keep them occupied. They will be tired and may scream or fall asleep. Just plough on – it’s bed time soon.

18:30ish once they are both bathed give them their last feed of the day.

19:00 put them to bed in a dark room. Don’t wait for them to fall asleep, leave immediately. If they are crying leave it a few minutes then go in and settle them. Try not to make eye contact or talk to them.

22:30 wake them up for a feed. Only change their nappies if really necessary, although this might help if they are really sleepy and tricky to feed. Consider getting a TV upstairs so that you can settle down to watch something gripping.

The babies will probably wake between 02:00 and 03:00. Feed them in the dark and get them back in their cots as quickly as possible. Only change their nappies if really necessary.

Weeks 15-20: drop the night feed. Only if they are putting on weight properly and are not really interested in their first feed of the morning.

Once they are sleeping well you can decide to drop the 22:30 feed. We dropped it once the babies were established on solids at around 6 and a half months, but I know of super babies who didn't need it from about 10 weeks.

Once you start solids, the 06:45 feed (milk and solids) is breakfast, the 10:45 feed (solids and milk. Drop the milk when they don't want it anymore) gets pushed later and eventually becomes lunch. You introduce a solid feed at 5pm, which is dinner. End the day with a bottle after the bath at 18:30, bed is still at 19:00. They will have 2 sleeps (09:00-10:00 and 12:30-14:30). This is still my routine at 1 year.

Getting Organised

Getting Organised

You will hear a lot about how organised you need to be when you have a baby. I remember feeling quite confident about my organisational skills having completed university and held down a job, but of course you are trying to think clearly in a fog of hormones, physical pain, anxiety, visiting relatives, ringing phones, piles of mail, lack of sleep and many, many arguments with your other half. It’s impossible at these moments to contemplate how you ever followed a conversation, let alone got a promotion. The key to being organised is to stop and have a good think – go into another room, away from the babies, with paper and pen if necessary and just picture the next few hours and what you need to achieve. Then halve it and you might just about get it all done. My random top tips are below:

-          Be flexible about how you use your space. If it makes more sense to your new routine to keep your clothes in the bathroom and your toothbrush in the kitchen then do it. I heard of one couple who moved their mattress into their living room and camped out there for a few weeks after the birth of their twins. Do what makes sense at the time. No one is watching.

-          Make the nights as easy as possible. For us this meant taking the bottles filled with boiled water and the formula upstairs with us each night so that we didn’t have to leave our room. It sounds simple and obvious now, but at the time we thought of it (after nights of running up and down stairs every few hours) it was quite a revelation!

-          If you are bottle feeding have 12 bottles for twins. That gives you enough for 6 feeds a day (although you’ll probably be doing more like 8 each per day) and means you won’t be sterilising every couple of hours. Boil your water and measure it into your bottles to sit on the side ready for use. (See cautionary tale below)

-          For the nights you might find it easier to measure out the formula powder into little pots (you can get these from Mothercare) – I regularly flicked powder all over the place and always into my husband’s slippers while measuring formula out at night. It’s also tricky to count the number of scoops when you are half asleep and you have babies screaming, so useful to have the feeds pre-measured.

-          Always have some cartons of ready to use formula just in case. It’s an awful feeling to confidently go to get your bottles of cooled, boiled water to make up your feeds only to realise that you haven’t even boiled the kettle yet. You’ve then got to boil it, pour it into the bottles and try to cool it down while your babies scream and you have a meltdown. Cartons are also handy for that overwhelming first night home from the hospital.

-          Each time you get home from an outing re-pack the babies’ bag so that it’s ready for next time. Also make sure you reassess the clothes in the bag regularly – shoehorning your baby into a too-small babygro on the floor of a ladies’ toilet without a baby changing table when you are already sweating in your coat because he has pooed all over his beautiful Boden dungarees is just too much.

Cautionary Tale (or how to avoid ending up naked, wee-soaked, feeding a baby in the dark).

I have a lovely friend who took her twins for their 12 week vaccinations.  As he got his injection one baby did an enormous wee on her which soaked through her jeans. Brilliant, she thought. Oh well. Off they went home, both babies screaming and due a feed. She dumped her stuff down and went to the kitchen for her bottles... only to find them ALL in the sink awaiting washing up. Great. Quickly she washed the bottles, sterilised them, boiled the kettle, filled them, cooled them and added formula (the term ”quickly” is just for effect. Of course none for these things happened quickly). All this time the weeing twin was asleep and the non-weeing twin was screaming the house down. Mummy stripped off her wet jeans and scooped up the screaming twin only to discover the mother of all poos in the nappy and up the back of the aforementioned twin. Terrific. Off she goes to change him, keeping all the lights off for fear of waking the sleeping twin. In the course of the nappy change the poo gets on Mummy and she loses even more clothes. Finally she ends up back in the kitchen, naked, in the dark, feeding the baby who takes 2 sucks and promptly falls asleep. Awesome.

The Dark Days

The Dark Days.

I wasn’t prepared for the hormonal car crash that occurs after giving birth. It’s as if all the PMS that I had missed out on during my pregnancy took steroids and attacked me all at once. I couldn’t stop crying every time the babies cried and being in hospital didn’t help as I got NO sleep. Once at home I struggled to make any decisions; it was all just overwhelming and I felt totally out of control. We just got through that first night and the next day I got the advice of my sister and mum on loads of things I hadn’t even considered before bringing the babies home: should their cots go near the window of near the radiator? Should they wear hats to sleep in? When can I give them dummies? How often should we change their nappies? Do we use cream? How many blankets do they need? Compared to the safe cocoon of the hospital our house seemed cold and unfriendly. Everything I needed was in a box, wrapped in millions of layers of plastic and I couldn’t find any clothes that fit the babies or myself. My careful pre-natal plans were unravelling.

The nights were tough. 3 hours between feeds is not really enough time to get any decent sleep as each feed was taking an hour at first and by the time they were settled it was virtually time to do it all again. There are no words to describe the frustration you feel when the baby that was screaming its head off takes two sucks of milk and falls asleep. I remember on one particularly dark occasion telling my startled husband that I wanted to throw our baby daughter out of the window. Your mind is just not your own and you feel like a slave to these beings that you don’t remember ever wanting in the first place. Of course when the sun comes up, you have a cup of tea, get dressed and everything seems a lot brighter. You realise that you’re not going mental, you are sleep-deprived and post-natal – quite a combo. I found that getting out of the house every day, no matter what kind of night I’d had, made all the difference. Sometimes it took two hours to go out for an hour, but it was still worth it for my mental health. Just do it: go to the supermarket, walk around the block, make unnecessary trips to the post office. It will make you feel better, I promise.

 There is a myth that new mums do not have time to have a shower or get dressed and spend their days in milk-stained dressing gowns with bits of toast in their hair. Admittedly there were days when the showering and dressing bit didn’t happen until the afternoon, but I always managed it. I would make sure the babies were clean, fed and relatively happy in their cots, bouncy chairs or on our bed and I would take myself off for a shower. At first I took the monitor with me (because I felt that I should), but then I realised that hearing the babies was stressing me out and I wasn’t actually going to get out of the shower and go to them if they cried. I told myself that they were safe, fed and warm and just concentrated on getting myself into a state where I felt like I could deal with the day. For me wearing proper clothes (rather than sweats) and putting on some make-up was absolutely key to my state of mind. It made me feel like me and I felt ready to deal with what the day threw at me. It also meant that I wasn’t ashamed to answer the door to the postman (you will get sent loads of presents!).

There are still dark days, mainly related to a lack of sleep, and I still sometimes have to force myself to get out of the house. The easiest thing in the world is to stay in where you have all your stuff to hand, but I know that breathing in some fresh air and seeing real people lightens my mood and gives me a sense of achievement. Making friends with fellow twin mums also helped a lot as only a new mum knows what you are going through. More than anything taking your babies out into the real world elicits a wealth of compliments from total strangers and when you are really starting to resent your child who is preventing you from doing everything you used to do, people saying how cute they are will make you stop and feel the love again.

Getting Ready: Part 3 - feeding

 Feeding

Breast feeding is trickier than it looks and getting the babies to latch on for long enough to stimulate my milk production was the hardest part. Quite simply it's a question of supply and demand: you need to feed ALL the time at first to establish a decent milk supply. Most of the time (due to exhaustion, not eating properly, doing too much etc.) I wasn't producing enough milk so I topped up with formula. Up until 8 weeks when I admitted defeat. Of course I didn't want to bottle feed my babies, and I still struggle with the guilt associated with "giving up", so my advice is give it the best shot you can. If you breast feed you don't really need any equipment (apart from the obvious) but I suggest you get breast pads (or cups that you empty), freezer bags for storing breast milk, a pashmina for feeding in public, and a breast pump and steriliser if you want to express.  

If you decide to bottle-feed twins you will need the following:

-          12 bottles: don’t bother with the little bottles, go for the 9oz ones straight away. The small ones go up to 4oz and they will be taking more than this really quickly.

-          Teats: the large bottles come with 2-hole teats which should be fine for a newborn, although you can buy 1-hole teats as well.

-          Formula: buy some cartons of ready-made milk as well as a couple of boxes of powder to get you started. I just went for the brand my babies were given in hospital (Aptamil), but I think they are all fairly similar.

-          Kettle: you need freshly boiled water for the feeds and I bought a second kettle just for the babies, which turned out to be really handy. Whenever I boiled a kettle to fill my bottles for the day I always had the best intentions to fill them immediately. In reality I got distracted and dashed off to do something else, in which time my husband could have stumbled, bleary-eyed into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on again for a cup of tea. Having a second kettle eradicated the risk of being back to square one.

-          Steriliser: you can either get one that sits on the side and plugs in (usually takes 6 bottles, sterilising takes 6 mins) or one that goes in the microwave (takes 6 bottles, sterilising takes 4 mins).

-          Bottle brush: you can get special ones from baby shops but I think a bog-standard washing-up brush is exactly the same thing. Keep it separate and only use it for bottles.

-          Bibs: you need a lot of these. Go for the ones with the spongy dibble-catcher around the neck and the babygro underneath might survive the feed. You really need as many as you can lay your hands on (ebay, ebay, ebay). Ditto muslins for mopping up spills and puke.

Getting Ready: Part 2 - pushchair

 Pushchair

Deciding on your pushchair is probably going to be the biggest decision you make before the babies are born (OK, maybe not the biggest but certainly the one you will spend the most time on). Couples stop and ask me about my pushchair quite often and this is a really good approach. If you see an impressive pushchair when you are out and about go over and ask about it. By and large Mums are quite proud of their double buggies will give you a thorough demonstration right there on the pavement outside Mothercare. It might even be one that you have been looking at online but can’t find in a store nearby. I found this the most frustrating part of deciding on my double pushchair: shops just don’t have them in stock for you to try out, so you end up going to loads of different places to see one pushchair at each. Research as much as you can online and read review boards on websites such as babycentre.co.uk to see what real mums think about them. Things to consider:

-          Do you want a side-by-side or a tandem (one in front of the other)?

-          Do you want to be able to clip the car seats to the pushchair?

-          How easy is it to manoeuvre? Try it with weight in it in the shop if possible.

-          Will you be going out in the car or using public transport?

-          Will you be using it indoors for the babies’ naps? If so, does it fit?

-          Do you want one that lasts until they don’t need a pushchair anymore or are you happy to replace it?

I don’t believe there is a perfect double pushchair out there, but you will find one that works for you and your babies.

If you are having babies in the winter and don’t want to become housebound, rocking in a dark corner, I suggest you buy a pushchair/pram whatsit with carrycots . My carrycots were used without the hoods and aprons in the house for the babies to sleep in until they went into the cots in their room (so no need for Moses baskets), and I used them on the pushchair for lots of brisk walks up until the babies were about 4 months old. In really cold weather I would put mine in vests, babygros, cardigans, snowsuits and blankets then lay them in the carrycot with a sheepskin under them. These walks were a key part of getting out and about in the early days with new mum friends. With the babies all wrapped up in snow suits and blankets, an icy wind in your face and a new pal to moan to you can while away a whole morning and end up tucked up in a cafe with a hot chocolate.

Getting Ready: Part 1 - clothes

Getting Ready: Stuff, stuff and more stuff.

 I never realised how small my house was until I started acquiring stuff for the babies. Please don’t follow a list published by Mothercare – it’s in their interest to make you buy loads of stuff you simply do not need, and trust me; no matter how big your house is it’s not big enough. I decided to get my thrifty sister to write me a list of bare essentials and then source as much as possible from people I knew with children. This approach was amazingly productive: bagfuls of clothes, bouncy chairs, changing table, cots, even nappies and maternity clothes. People love giving passing this sort of stuff on, mainly because most of it has been used for such a brief period of time. Accept everything and then filter what you don’t need or want – remember; you will be passing everything on before you know it. Due to having such a short shelf-life baby clothes are the perfect second-hand acquisitions. Find yourself a master washer and you are quids in! Many of the nicest jumpers and dresses I acquired were clearly gifts; some still with the labels on. Ebay is also brilliant for bundles of vests and babygros.

1.       Clothes

I know it’s really tempting to buy loads of pretty outfits, but I would literally buy a load of babygros and vests and leave the rest for the present-buying brigade. Just remember to get some small sizes and a couple of 0-3 months as well as newborn in case you have a tiddler or a whopper. You will need to wait to see what sizes your babies are before you get all the clothes you need so resist the nesting instinct and hold off until the babies arrive. Family members are more than happy to do a trip to Mothercare to buy babygros. My smaller baby was still wearing a couple of 0-3 month things at 7 months so just use the sizes as a guide! Also sizes in different shops seem to vary a lot so a newborn from Tesco is bigger than a newborn from Gap. Here is a basic guide to sizes:

Early baby: up to 3lbs

Tiny baby: up to 5lbs

Small baby: up to 7.5lbs

Newborn: up to 10lbs

 It’s difficult to say how many babygros you will need as it depends on how often you can do the washing, whether you have a tumble dryer (I don’t), if you have a baby who is sick a lot or who has explosive nappies. I found having about 40 in circulation worked quite well for two babies and I kept white for night-time and coloured for day-time. I did this to make a distinction between night and day which I found quite important at in the early days when you are doing the same thing round the clock. It gave some structure to the day before I established our routine.

 When you want to start putting them in something that looks more like clothes go for comfort as they are still going to be sleeping for a lot of the day (and hopefully night). Sweat pants for boys and leggings for girls with a long-sleeved vest is a quick and easy outfit for around the house. Add socks if the trousers don’t have feet, make the vest short-sleeved in warm weather and add a cardigan if it’s chilly. Always go for the easy option: cardigans are easier to put on than jumpers, hoodies are easier than separate hats, trousers with feet are easier than socks.

Public Property

 Public Property.

People are really interested in you once you are pregnant, particularly with twins. Colleagues who had never even held the door open for me were suddenly stopping by my desk for extended chats. I was always amazed at how complete strangers would ask me intimate questions in a perfectly casual manner and then seem surprised that I wasn’t inclined to discuss stretch marks, piles or my pelvic floor in the middle of the office.  Apparently it was perfectly acceptable to comment on how enormous I was getting (really? I hadn’t noticed) and to give the bump a good old rub as if it wasn’t in fact attached to an actual person. Sorry to say it but older people were the worst at this. Also inexplicably were childless women in their 50’s who were suddenly an authority on childbirth because their neighbour’s cousin had twins 20 years ago. You just have to smile and pretend to be as interested in their unsolicited attention as they suddenly are in your pregnancy.

If anything this phenomenon increased after I had the babies and I felt like handing out a card to every stranger who quizzed me about the babies with their names, weights and the make/model of my pushchair. I got overwhelmingly positive comments but there will always be those people who say negative things (I got a “poor cow” comment in a shopping centre) or who ask ridiculous questions (I always found questions about whether my girl and boy were identical tricky to answer with a straight face). Be as polite as you can and move on quickly. You’ve got better things to do with your day.

Pregnancy

Pregnancy

1.       Control what you can.

There are times when I felt completely out of control of my own body. You go to your wardrobe for the fail-safe outfit that looks good every time and it won’t fit anymore or just looks bloody awful. At times like this dress simply and concentrate on the areas you do have control over: hair, make-up and nails. If you have shiny, glossy hair, flawless make-up and a good manicure you will at least give the appearance of being in control and it will just make you feel more like you. I put a lot of the compliments I received during my pregnancy down to polish rather than substance.

A note on hair; you may find you lose less hair when you are pregnant. My body seemed to hold on to everything for dear life as my little darlings stripped it of every last nutrient. My hair got much thicker and less easy to manage, and actually took ages after the birth to start falling out at its pre-pregnancy rate (i.e. blocking the plughole at every hair wash). My hair advice would be straighteners to make it look thinner and calmer, or embrace the volume and go wavy/curly/just plain big.

2.       Embrace your shape.

I got a fairly noticeable bump (well, to me and my husband anyway) at around 9 weeks. This wasn’t too much of a surprise as I already knew I was having twins, but the bump appearing before 12 weeks can be both a shock and a complete pain in the arse if you don’t want people to know yet. I had to really examine my work wardrobe during these weeks to find clothes that gave good coverage to the tummy area and were comfortable. Wearing dresses as tops worked quite well. I had a patterned dress that was particularly good as I could wear it over black maternity trousers and the pattern was a sort of optical illusion that disguised the bump. From the front at least. I also took to carrying a folder (empty) around the office with me so that I could strategically position it over my tummy when I was talking to colleagues at their desks. All that effort! I bet nobody even suspected, or if they did it certainly wasn’t worthy of the front page news I imagined it to be.

Of course the most comfortable clothes to wear are maternity clothes, but these make you look pregnant instantly so steer clear while you are keeping it on the down low. That said, I would get some maternity bits and pieces straight away and start wearing what you can to get your money’s worth. Shopping in places like New Look, Dorothy Perkins, H&M and online from ASOS means that you will probably buy a lot of reasonably priced things that don’t particularly look like maternity wear and that you can keep wearing after the birth. The best investment is a good pair of jeans; I bought mine from Benetton at 8 weeks and wore them right up until the day I went into labour. Jeans are brilliant as they make you feel like you are wearing normal clothes and they are really comfortable. If you are expecting twins or more buy a large size and you probably won’t be able to conceal the stretchy panel at the top of the jeans towards the end of your pregnancy, so wear longer tops if you can (although with a 48cm bump I couldn’t have cared less!).

 I suppose my general uniform was dresses with leggings which was comfortable and versatile. It meant that I could wear flip flops when my feet expanded in the summer and still look vaguely smart for work. Whatever you do make sure you are comfortable. I remember going to work in a knitted dress, tights and wedges on a foggy spring morning only for the fog to clear, the sun to come out and my feet to swell up. There will be days when you get home, strip off and angrily throw the offending constrictive item at your other half (because of course it’s his fault). Get comfortable pyjamas and always check the weather forecast.

As your body is changing so quickly it is really important to constantly re-evaluate your outfits as something that you felt brilliant in a week ago may now look less than fabulous. You will grow in spurts so dress in front of a full-length mirror and if you are wearing non-maternity clothes pay particular attention to the hemline as it will creep up at the front as your bump grows. I had a particularly lovely flowery dress that was my fall back for days when I was feeling less than fabulous, however until I caught sight of myself in an office window I hadn’t realised how short it had become at the front. As I was wearing hold-ups on this particularly memorable day this was not a good look...

OK: underwear. Traumatic as it may be you really need to wear a non-wired bra throughout your pregnancy. Blocked milk ducts at any point are not fun, especially after you give birth. As a member of the massive breast club I found even trying on non-wired bras a harrowing experience. I was used to bras that lifted, separated and made me feel secure. Non-wired ones were just a generic hammock affair with no support and no definition. I did in the end find some good ones (Marks and Spencer) and I just got used to how my boobs looked – flattened. When you are carting around a massive bump no one is going to be looking at your boobs anyway. Maternity knickers are comfortable and essential, as are maternity tights. Go with it.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was struggling to find anything that still fitted. I even had to buy a pair of comfy boots a size bigger to accommodate my elephantine feet and ankles. As I was on maternity leave (and virtually housebound as I didn’t go out except for hospital appointments) clothes were no longer too much of a problem. I had a couple of pairs of jogging bottoms and some stretchy tops that saw me through. For going out the ubiquitous jeans replaced the sweats. I did carry on doing my hair and make-up for the most part as it just made me feel better about my confinement to catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and not recoil in horror.

Random Top Tips

A friend of mine has recently found out she's pregnant and called me for advice. She clearly knows me really well as I love an advisory role and I seem to talk about pregnancy all the time. When it comes to giving tips though people tend to assume that because I was trying to get pregnant, being pregnant or recovering from being pregnant FOREVER that I know all the answers. Granted, I read a lot of books, blogs and websites on the subject, but can't really remember any of the advice therein. The bits and pieces that have stayed with me, in no particular order, are below:

- ginger biscuits are good for morning sickness. Eat one before you get out of bed to prevent the attractive gagging on a toothbrush start to the day 

- elevate your feet whenever you can as this increases blood flow to the placenta (urgh) and makes your baby happy (I made that last bit up). Also essential near the end for swollen feet

- if morning sickness is happening in the evening try to have a decent lunch so that you can just pick at toast or whatever in the evening

- use Bio-oil from the beginning. Don't do what I did and gloat about having no stretch marks until they suddenly explode like angry red fireworks. Uncomfortable does not begin to cover it

- don't worry if you don't understand the scans. Not being able to see what the sonographer is seeing does not make you a bad mother. Ask questions

- check the weather forcast before you leave the house in the morning to prevent unfortunate outfit choices/foot swelling situations. Also check your hemline if you are wearing non-maternity clothes; as your tummy grows your hem moves up. Another unfortunate look curtesy of yours truly

- childbirth is horrible. Mums who tell you it was the most amazing experience are lying, or stupid, or both

- get in to a routine with the baby as soon as possible. If this means waking them up to feed them, do it. You can do what you like; you're their mum

-  leave the house with the baby every day, even if it's to go and buy a stamp that you don't really need. Fresh air will make you feel better, more healthy and like you have achieved something

- if you want the baby to sleep in a separate room that's fine. Don't be bullied into sharing a room by the helpful literature that tells you it prevents cot death (I don't see how anyway) - if you sleep better without them there ship 'em out

- have an epidural

Gosh. I really do like giving advice!

Amongst the many, many (many) comments I get about having twins, one of the most common is something along the lines of "I don't know how you do it". I suppose this blog is an attempt at answering that question as I always struggle to come up with a snappy response. This is usually due to the fact that the moments people choose to talk to me are often when I'm forcing one unbendable baby into the pushchair, while the other's screaming hits levels only a dog can hear, and someone else's toddler pulls tampons out of my changing bag.

I've tried giving a genuine response - something about the importance of establishing a routine, feeding simultaneously, accepting help - but if I don't want to get embroiled in a conversation with a complete stranger in the parents' room at John Lewis I need to come up with a good one-liner that says "yes, it's really hard, but I want you to think that I'm coping marvellously... and have nice hair". So I've started just smiling in a knowing fashion and saying sweetly "I don't know what you mean", which usually gets a polite laugh, but which is more than a little smug.

So I've decided to write about it all... and maybe put print-outs up on the wall in John Lewis.