Anytime from 4:30-6:00 - gently wake up to bloodcurdling screaming from toddler. Put toddler in bed next to me, close eyes and pretend my life isn't happening.
After 20 minutes - toddler is bored and screaming/putting her finger up my nose. Time to relocate.
6:00 - Downstairs. Cbeebies.
6:30 - Twins appear and lie on sofas like they're hungover.
6:45 - Make cup of tea. Forget about it.
7:00 - Tempt them away from the television with breakfast. Have 10 minute argument about various breakfast options.
7:30 - Everybody upstairs. Lay out uniforms, say "get dressed" 56 times. Dress toddler in 3 different locations at a slight trot.
7:45 - Remember cup of tea, place in microwave, forget about it. Have shower, get dressed, wonder why I'm bothering.
8:00-8:30 - Unknown lost minutes.
8:35 - Run around the house shouting "teeth!", "shoes!"
8:40 - School run.
9:10 - Home. Cbeebies. Clear away breakfast things, tidy living room, answer texts, panic about dinner.
10:00 - Playgroup. Drink tea, chat, compare vile toddler behaviours, all the while feeling guilty that I'm not at home ironing/sorting out the crap drawer.
12:00 - Home. Make lunch, toddler throws lunch around, put lunch in bin. Give toddler crisps for lunch. Cbeebies. Guilt.
12:30 - Put toddler in bed. Creep downstairs. Pray. At light speed have lunch, empty dishwasher, panic about dinner, clean sink, treat myself to a solo wee, blog, crochet, feel guilty about crocheting and blogging.
13:30 - Toddler decides she misses me and screams her face off.
13:40 - Still screaming.
13:50 - Toddler is quiet with a dummy, muslin, biscuit and cuddly toy, on my lap watching Keeping up with the Kardashians #parentinggoals.
14:30 - Wrestle toddler into pushchair.
14:40 - School run.
15:00 - Attempt to settle 174 arguments on the way home as both twins tell me about their day at exactly the same time.
15:10 - Television goes on. Guilt. Unload washing machine, discover 2-day-old dryer full of clothes, transfer dry clothes to ironing basket, forget about them for 2 weeks.
16:30 - Make dinner.
17:00 - Present dinner to children. Have the following exchange:
Child: I hate this dinner!
Me: Don't eat it then
Child: But I want pudding!
Me: Eat your dinner then
Child: I hate this dinner!
17:30 - Vow to do something creative and stimulating before bedtime. Consult Pinterest, prepare resources, gather children, begin.
17:35 - Television goes on. Guilt.
18:00 - Put toddler in bath. Shout "bathtime" downstairs 246 times.
18:10 - Run downstairs to get twins, all the time imagining the toddler drowning in the bath.
18:15 - Everybody is in the bath. Settle various disputes about soap, shampoo, splashing, bath toys, saying "bum" and the amount of bath space available. Sing bathtime song until children request that I stop.
18:25 - Bath comes to a natural conclusion when toddler does a poo. Get everyone out, into pyjamas and back downstairs.
In The Night Garden. Relative peace.
18:50 - Toddler starts losing her shit. Girl twin is performing enthusiastic gymnastics in the living room, boy twin is screaming that he can't see the television.
19:00 - Put toddler to bed.
19:15-19:45 - Put twins to bed (I know that this shouldn't take half an hour. I know).
19:45 - Wash 2 saucepans while cooking dinner (again) and run a cloth around the sink so that it looks like I've achieved something today.
20:00 - Husband returns home. Give 3-minute synopsis of day. Open wine.
20:30 - Find cup of tea in microwave.
21:30 - Remember the bath is still full of poo.
22:00 - Collapse into bed. Try to convince myself that tomorrow might be different (spoiler alert: it isn't!)